Home > Olympics > 2010 Winter Olympics + SOGJ = Awesome.

2010 Winter Olympics + SOGJ = Awesome.

Who doesn’t love the Olympics?

Michael Phelps was absolutely amazing to watch last summer, and the Olympics showcase extreme athletic talent that we otherwise would never see. (I would love to try to keep up with him in an eating contest)

Is it just me, or did the Winter Olympics sneak up on everybody?  The 2010 Winter Olympics will be held in Vancouver , Canada . (Rather fitting…eh?)

The Summer Olympics are great, but the one problem with the Winter Olympics is that its most watched event is figure skating. I think the Winter Olympics are way past due to add some newer, younger, and let’s face it, more Americanized sports. (Snowboarding was added a couple years ago, which is a great start. (Is there a better nickname in snow sports than Shaun ‘The Flying Tomato’ White?)

Here are some ideas that I think would pull in viewers all over the world, and what better place to debut them then in Canada …eh?

Ducking like a girl will not help your country's chances in getting the gold.

First idea, anything involving snow ball fights should be considered. I think this would be an amazing competition to watch. The countries will start with a team of six snow ball fighters.  After that it’s fairly simple rules, if a fighter gets hit with a snowball, they’re out.  This would be very similar dodge ball, except the ammunition would be unlimited and there can be special snowballs used at certain points of the match (my favorite: the yellow snowball).

Another amazing bonus: The finals would most likely be an epic Russia vs. USA match and Al Michaels would do the play by play. It would be like the Miracle on Ice 2.0 (Suggested name: ‘Drama on the Snow’), it would be great.

Beating the records set by penguins will be tough.

Second idea, would be the run and slide. This event is as literal as it sounds. Competitors would literally go down a runway and then try to see how far they could slide on their stomachs on the ice.  This event has clearly been inspired by the real winter athletes, penguins. The runway would be about thirty feet long to gain momentum and if the competitor is not in a full slide by the ‘sliding line’ then the attempt would be listed as a scratch.

There would be three attempts in each of the three rounds of sliding. I still haven’t figured out if it would be an advantage to be a lightweight or a heavyweight in this event.

Clark W. Griswold, seen here with his highly modified metal saucer sled.

Third idea, and this one is near and dear to my heart, the saucer sled race. (I know what you’re thinking: “Don’t they already have the luge and the bobsled?” True, but they don’t have the saucer sled.)

The event would work like this: two competitors go down a hill at the same time. They are then allowed to interfere with the opponent in any way, as long as they don’t leave the saucer. They must hit, and land, three mandatory jumps throughout the course and the kicker is that they can only use plastic sleds.  When I say jumps, I don’t mean the cute little two-foot ramps that your kids build on the hill near the park lake, I’m talking about jumps that would make the X-Games proud. (Clark W. Griswold would be appalled at the banning of the metal saucer, but it’s straight plastic for us. It’s the Olympics here, we have to be fair.)

Who thought of this event? What correlation do guns and skiing have?

Fourth idea, take that cross country skiing with the gun event and make it much less boring.  Switch the rifle over to a paintball gun and make the targets the other skiers.  The competitors would be all be started in separate random spots in a five acre ‘battlefield.’  They would then have to search the woods and plains, while on skis, wearing ghillie suits for the other warriors.  Obviously, the last man standing wins.  Think of it like a large scale Olympic game of Call of Duty.  You want to reach the 18-24 age demographic Olympic Committee? Here’s your answer.

Fifth idea, snow/ice football or futbol. The type of football or futbol is not as important to the event as the amount of snow and ice on the playing field are in order to create as much chaos as humanly possible.

The best part that none of the best professional soccer or football players would compete,  and you would get athletic animals just trying to make a name for themselves.  (Think of the dudes on ‘The Replacements.’)

Maybe a better idea would be to combine the two sports and play every game at Lambeau Field after it has been covered in a snow drift/ice mix.

A snow fort this weak would get dominated in the Olympics.

Sixth, and maybe the most important event, is ‘Snow Fort Capture the Flag.’  They could reuse the five acre plot from ‘Mayhem on Skis’ as the top 10 countries in the world will compete in a massive large scale snow battle.

Teams of ten from each country would make their own snow fort, which could get to be pretty freaking sweet, and then they will defend their flag using snow balls, snow ball sling shots, and catapults.

It would be like a giant game of ‘Risk’ in the snow. Certain competitors would be praised for their military snow strategy and others for their ruthless abilities with a snowball.  Legends would be made and empires of snow fighting would be established.

I think that all of these changes would make this year’s Winter Olympics the most watched in the history of the games.

I know that I would tune in…and not to just watch some dude in spandex doing a triple salcow.

(Side note: What the heck is that? What’s the difference between that and a triple axel? Damn you Scott Hamilton…)

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