Home > NHL > SOGJ’s Proposal to the NHL Rules Committee

SOGJ’s Proposal to the NHL Rules Committee

Barry Melrose and the Holy Grail of Hair.

I am slowly becoming more and more interested in hockey, but there is just one thing that is keeping me away and that is the rules.

I don’t have a clue about the rules of hockey, thus making it very hard to follow.

I know what you’re thinking: “Just look them up, jackass.” Well, that would be far too easy and way too played out, so instead I came up with my own rules that would really draw in the casual viewer like myself:

1. More fights. This one is really a no brainer. Sports fans love fights, hockey fans love fights, so let’s have some fights!

At the end of each period there will be a scheduled fight (think of it like the card to a UFC pay-per-view).

Each team gets to pick a chosen fighter to send to center ice to knock knuckles. The fights following the first and second periods would all be leading up to the ‘main event’ following the end of the game. Think: Ovechkin v. Crosby. Are you going to leave your seat for that one? I think not.

Also, no fighting rules. Gladiator style. Just for effect.

2. If a goalie gives up more than three goals in a single period then the team has to play the rest of the period without a goalie. They will, of course, get the extra attacker, but no one can play goalie.

Also, the team shooting on the empty goal will have to shoot from behind the blue line. The range skill isn’t often showcased on the ice, this would be our chance to see it.

(Side note: Hooray for more goals!)

3. All NHL coaches must rock a mullet. If they are incapable of achieving the Mt. Everest of hair, then they must wear a wig. Model: Barry Melrose (circa early 90’s).

People would watch games just to see which coach had the better lettuce and they would stay locked in on the game because they knew there would be a fight card. (It’s genius!)

4. Barry Melrose (ESPN hockey analyst, eh?) and Don Cherry (Co-Host of Hockey Night in Canada, double eh?) should be co-commisioners of the NHL. They will also be broadcast announcers for one major game a week.

No one loves puck more than these guys and they will have absolute epic wardrobe battles.

Added bonus: Have Craig Sager and his wonderfully awful suits do all of the on-ice and post fight interviews.

5. Make the penalty box like an episode of Fear Factor.

In order for a player to get out of the penalty box they will have to perform a crazy stunt or eat some nasty cow flop or something. I even want Joe Rogan there to be a sarcastic, demeaning narrator for the whole thing.

For example: If a player receives three or more penalties in a game, he has to eat fried bull testicles or pickled rat tail to get out of the sin bin.

The best part is that hockey players would do it because hockey players are crazy! This would also expose the pretty boys in the league and allow more avenues for ridicule.

More octupi and snakes on the ice, please.

6. Live reptilians/aquatic species/worn out celebrities thrown on the ice following a hat trick.

Throwing a dead octopus on the ice is a great idea (Thank you Red Wings fans, you are true visionaries), but here’s a better idea: throw a live octopus on the ice.

Also, let’s try some poisonous snakes and other chemically potent species, like Lindsay Lohan for instance.

Here’s the kicker: no player can leave the ice until all of the thrown octopi, snakes and Lohans are incapacitated.

Players would turn into a real-life Maximus Meridius and yes, I would be quite entertained.

So, NHL, take this ideas into consideration and i think you’ve got a real winner (and blood) on your hands.

It would be a fine mix of sport, entertainment and circus. A true spectacle on ice.

(Much more so than Scott Hamilton skating, dancing and jumping around in a leotard.)

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