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It’s Augusta time.

God's finest 18 hole creation.

I’ll just get right to the point here. The week of the Masters is my favorite week of the year. Not only do I get 24/7 coverage live from Augusta almost all week thanks to ESPN, The Golf Channel and CBS, but it also signals that it’s time for us Illinoisans to bust out our sticks and hit the links as well.

The 2010 edition of the Masters has more story lines than your average tournament. Let’s dig a little deeper, shall we?

1. Jim Nantz and Mike Tirico try to out-cheese each other:


This is always a very competitive duel.  Some would argue that nobody can match the cheese that Jimmy Nantz lays down during Sunday’s final round, but Mike Tirico has made the Par 3 contest his poetic bitch. The use of children as the caddies for paid athletes is pure inspiration for Tirico, as well as watching AARP members like Gary Player try to hit the ball 100 yards over a small pond.

Tirico may now get three days to attempt to knock Nantz off of his lyrical high horse, but he’s no match for the master.

Advantage – Nantz over Tirico

(Side note: If Jim Nantz doesn’t have the best week of any male living on God’s green Earth then slap me in the balls and call me LeBron. He gets to call the NCAA Men’s Basketball Final Four all weekend, then he flies straight to Augusta to announce the final two rounds of the Masters after hitting up three strip clubs with Tiger Woods during the week. How did he get these jobs?)

(Side note #2: Everybody knows that Gus Johnson is much better suited to call the NCAA Final Four. Let Nantz have his Masters, give Gus his golden goose.)

2. A freaking 16 year old made the field:


Matteo Manassero is a 16 year old Italian amateur that played his way into the Masters field with a win at the European Amateur Championship. I stumbled upon his press conference today where he was asked questions such as: Who is your favorite Jonas Brother? Are you upset that Hannah Montana is moving back to Tennessee? and Did you bring any homework to do this week since you are missing school? (Two of those questions are bogus, one of them is legit. You be the judge.)

He also makes every middle aged man who has played golf religiously for their entire life chuck their sticks into the nearest pond and take up bowling.

The only place that could possibly be any more cool for a 16 year old to be other than Augusta National to play in the Masters would be Megan Fox’s dressing room.  She has a weird thumb though, Augusta is flawless.

Advantage – Augusta National over Megan Fox’s Dressing Room by a thumb.

3. The return of David Duval:


Double D was easily my favorite golfer when I was growing up. On my high school golf team I even rocked the Oakley M-Frames for all 4 seasons. We also share the same birthday…holla!

Duval is making his first appearance at the Masters since 2006 where he finished at a robust 20 over par.  Some would argue that DD is only in the Masters because he got lucky one week last year at Bethpage Black, and I would partially agree with them. He really hasn’t done much since then except finish 2nd at the 2010 AT&T Pebble Beach National Pro-Am.

This could make for an awesome story line, however. You may recall the classic back nine duel between Duval and Tiger Woods at the Masters back in 2001. It was an epic heavyweight fight between the then #1 and #2 players in the world rankings. How awesome would it be to see two comeback players like Duval and Tiger reliving old times on the back nine at Augusta? I would most likely cream my collective pants.

Duvie used to eat Augusta for breakfast in his prime. He never collected a green jacket, but look at these finishes:

1998: 2nd

1999: 6th

2000: 3rd

2001: 2nd

I’m not sure if it’s me wanting to relive my teenage years, or the seven Bud Lights that I just drank, but I really like Duval this week.

Advantage – Duval over Father Time

4. Philly McTits is struggling:


(Disclaimer: I roughly have 3,938 nicknames for Phil Mickelson. Some are sampled below. These come out at very random times during rounds of golf with my buddies when someone pulls a Mickelson inspired move. The above video showcases his douchiness. I’ve talked with a caddie at Harbour Town Golf Links that works the Verizon Heritage every year and said that nobody, including other players, can stand him. They say he’s fake as hell in front of the cameras. Ernie Els, on the other hand, was cool enough to bring a case of Budweiser and cigars to the caddy room to hang out with them. Awesome.)

Philbert is a lot like Duval. He loves him some Augusta. Phil was supposed to be golf’s (chubby) knight in shining armor after the whole Tiger fiasco. Too bad he hasn’t done jack shit other than allegedly shoot a 58 during a recreational round at a non-tour course.

I wouldn’t count ol’ Mickeltitties out this week, however. He has never really gone into Augusta on a hot streak, except for 2006 when he came to the Masters fresh off of a 13 stroke win at the BellSouth Classic. Take a peek:

2004: Win

2005: 10th

2006: Win

2008: 5th

2009: 5th

I have a feeling that Mickelson didn’t really like all of the spotlight that he got once Tiger was gone. He needs Tiger like the Joker needs Batman, or does Batman need the Joker? Oh well, I’m not nerdy enough to really care about that. Now that Tiger is back in action, Phil can take aim at another green jacket. I like him for another top 10 finish this week.

Advantage: Philly Flops

5. Oh yeah, Tiger is back…

Uh oh, field. Daddy’s back home.

Advantage – Tiger

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  1. September 20, 2014 at 6:23 pm

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